free-falling

on Monday we went for a coffee,
we both had news
-- theirs brought tears to my eyes
(mine did not, not now, not then)

to make the decision
to end an unborn life
reclaimed invalid, unsustainable

I'd never wished them such fate!
but I'm not Stoaic enough to wish it had been us

we hadn't talked for 5 months
so I got both stories at once,
one of expectance
and one of hopes crushed

I still see his searching eyes
I remember his trembling hands
I cherish his lasting humour

and I'm more afraid than ever
afraid of What If
-- I fear though we have not even reached the point
of having something to fear for
of having the greatest thing to hope for
of having hope

sitting there
in the cafe -- with the table between us
as good friends -- with nothing between us
estrangered by experience -- with a deep, dark gap between us
and after tonight,
after a conversation of another sort
my fears feel so petty

I'm afraid to fall;
I doubt anyone will catch me
but look!
they fell and they catched each other