window or mirror?

Yes,
yes and yes

things in me have changed;
some faded, some cleared
-- I try not to regret that; they can't be forced

I follow a pattern, just like everyone
...even if I resist
(we're addicts, all of us -- we need our kicks)
But the difference in me compared to many others is
that I don't forget
not you, not anyone

So rest assured.

but darling,
because I am so see-through
I need to be a mystery in writing

in control

Not today.

I'm rationing,
leaving you be.

I have to sit on my hands
to stop from calling you in writing...

I hope you feel
how much effort
it takes not to talk to you

And the most demanding part:
you propably say that I needn't do this
that I can reach you any time I want
But you have no clue
how much that would be...

If I were the pessimist kind I'd complain
that a lot of energy is wasted
But it isn't any easier for you, I know
You just withold for others

Today,
everyday
we're generating enough energy
to feed a whole family of hungry hearts
But it's just like global economy:
goods and demands never meet,
and people are left deprived.

she simply is

..here's something I wrote in August..

Long after sundown I quietly crept away from the others. Outside in the soothing husk I heard the moon call me, and I followed the song to the shore.

As I stood at the waterfront I gazed at the sky, hoping to catch a glimpse of a falling star. To make a wish. That's when I felt her presence. I looked to my right, along the line where the water meets the sand and I saw her. Aleia. I cleared my eyes. Her dark figure was moving towards me.

So there we were. She took my hands in hers and greeted me with a butterfly kiss on the brow.
-Would you come sit with me? She asked.
I lifted my eyes to look at her face shining with honesty and smiled as a reply.

We sat at the pier, comfortably huddled under her coat.
-Look at this, I said in awe and waved my hand to the sea and to the sky.
-Bewildering.
And she agreed with me, truly, she agreed and understood. If only I could touch all this... If I could make the others see how important and admirable it all is.
-But at least I can touch you now. And that consoles me.
-Thank you, she said.
Aleia, she was thankful. She had no demands, no insistent wishes for me to fulfil.

I didn't feel hungry or tired, sore or unwanted. It was all very simple.
Even when she said
-It's time
it wasn't hard for me to say goodbye. I felt all was complete; I had had the chance to say everything I needed, without interruptions and lack of concentration. We were content with being what we are. With being us.

- - -
Aleia is none of you. She is not a woman nor a man, not a colleague nor a neighbour. But she could be my friend. I'd like her to be. I'm so sorry; it's nothing you do -- it's something she simply is.

I wish you'd belong here

I thought I'd plee for my sanity,
I planned to ask you for some relief
(to get a sincere promise)

but I was late
-- I can see that you're already gone

gone back home

good bye wonderful

it's not cotton candy, though it may seem so

here I go again

into the amusement park

all the shining lights,
the smells, the noise
the relentlessness

it's familiar, it's new every time:
same faces, new unpredictabilities
same reactions, new outlets
same joys -- same sorrows and pains

and just like every time,
I'll get a bit sick,
I'm exhausted afterwards

brain in turmoil

and just like every time,
ask I walk through the gate and into the night,
I'm wearing the smile
that came with the entrance ticket

the big project

now, it seems, I'm having it easy;
all is so well

what has changed?
certainly not I
-- still not taking it easy...

still afraid that 'now' is an illusion,
'well' is just a facade

might that be my biggest flaw;
not trusting anything?
is that what they tore off
when they clawed me years ago?

(I'm a reasonable person,
I know that the world will stand
without me holding it up)

you who are older & wiser,
tell me,
do they grow back?
-- wings.

something for me to work on

more today

today I'm more than yesterday
(now it's official)

and I do feel different;
time is sort of tingling inside me
making me smile
sparkling in my eyes

I'm thrilled to have LIVED yet another year