full circle

tomorrow:
wake up at 5.40
walk 0.4 km
take 28 bus at 6.36
go to train station,
buy ticket to S 7.02
arrive at 8.30
buy cup of tea
take 9.05 3B tram
walk 0.5 km
get in
go through security inspection
take interview (5 min),
be convincing
show documents
let fingerprints be scanned
leave
take 3A tram
walk to station, buy return ticket
buy chocolate, if not feeling dizzy and nauseated
take next possible train
arrive
take next possible bus
and then: home

just to be able to leave again next Monday,
to leave for three whole months

with no-one waiting in B, but many left behind in A
and plenty wishing well in C to Z

no next time

there will be no more
of these misty hours

no more windy walks

the cracks in the pavement
will be just like any cracks,
the rain falls just the same
-- yet, I've said goodbye
and there is no 'Well, next time'

no salty smell from the docks whirling in the city
no manic driving through the stillwater suburbs
no one within reach

even under pressure,
overcome by reasoning,
being crushed by time,
I have to ask:

why can't I trust how I feel
will get through?
why do I think what I want
will just bounce off?
why can't I dare to ask?

tomorrow too late to regret

all grownup, I think
...and still so undecided when facing 50-50

rarely!

For the first time,
and, hopefully, if not the last
then at least among the well-selected few:
here's a test result.
I'm a Visionary Soul.

Oh how I dislike this quality of mine
of rather believing a machine-generated list
than the people around me,
those who care for me.

All you Old Souls and Peacemaker Souls,
speak with me.
Children meant for me to raise,
come to me.
Honest but lonely beings,
be with me.

--- the result ---
You are a curious person,
always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual,
you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright:
able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed
and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you
can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding,
sympathetic, and a good healer.
Souls you are most compatible with:
Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul.
--- ---

The test was taken here:
www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/

early goodbyes & thank-you's

all that I've been given
is almost too much to bear
and so wonderful
it's overwhelming

abandoned and angry at everyone,
invited and overjoyed,
holding back and keeping to the reality,
picturing and letting my mind go,
excited and fulfilled

I expected it to be bliss
and meanwhile I knew
that I never could predict what
exactly
it'd be

I've loved it all
and everyone

I shall cry for sure
and that's healthy

it was a good decision.
I congratulate myself
-- for once

children's stories

once upon a time
there lived a little man in my pocket
he spent his days
arranging the stuff that I keep in there

he wasn't big on conversations,
but silent was he not;

I could hear him jingling my keys
and scrunching my papers
as we walked the streets,
me carrying him, him keeping me company

during the flu season I felt sorry for him,
having to live among my dirty hankies,
but he didn't move so I assume
he was happy and cosy
-- and who wouldn't; my pockets were always warm inside

as time passed by, the sound he makes
gradually muffled in my ears
I got so used to it, you see
but every now and then he reminded me of his existence
as his knee or elbow bumped into my side
as I hopped down the stairs

he's the reason why
I always feel so calm
-- I just put my hand in my pocket,
carefully, trying not to shove him around,
and pat him on his tiny shoulder
with my index finger

that means Thank you
and if I hold my breath and still my heart
I can hear him answer
Thank you too

bah humbug?

How she sleeps

It's been nearly a month since my last update.
This doesn't mean, however, that nothing has happened.
Quite the opposite; too much has been going on.
I need it to be quiet, both around me and inside me,
to hear the words springing from within.

This past weekend I was so ill and all alone
that I had all the time & quiet, but I was too blurred
to tune in.

Nevertheless, in my moments of clear thinking,
I thought her,
my future spouse.
As soppy as they may seem, the words, I mean them.
And ah, feeling love is being soppy.

---------------
How she sleeps

at night,
on my back
with eyes closed,
in our bed
I can stretch out my hand and feel her sides heaving as she's breathing steadily
if I turn my head to the left and open my eyes
I can see the back of her head, one arm tucked under
as she sleeps on her belly,
holding the pillow,
snuggly have rolled herself inside the blanket
I can see all this,
feel all this,
know all this
even as I'm miles & miles away across the ocean
even when I'm gone
I know
to me, that's love pure